Life Layers

Today when I was at the dermatologist for my annual checkup, the lovely nurse assistant who was updating my information was curious about my middle name. I explained it had been my maiden name and I just moved it to my middle name when I got married. This made her even more curious because she then wondered if I had a middle name growing up. I told her yes, but it was never my favorite, so I opted to make my maiden name my middle name when I got married. She then said, “Ooooh - you have LAYERS!”

Oooooh…..I have layers!

I’d never thought about me, or people in general, having layers like that before. We talk about problems having layers, healing having layers, solutions having layers - cake having layers (my favorite kind of layers!). But the idea of people having layers, at least in the way the nurse assistant was celebrating and having curiosity about it, seemed something different. And now I see it: our identities and our life stories have deep, rich beautiful layers. And many of those layers get put away or set aside for so many different reasons. But think about it - even by the time we’re ten, we’ve already experienced so much. We’ve already had so many layers, and stories, events and life experiences that shape us. Layers and layers of beauty, laugher, sadness, learning.

Sometimes when we’re emotionally healing, criticizing ourselves, or just trying to live our best lives, we only focus on our two-dimensional selves. We forget that underneath all the problems, the hurt, the day-to-day moments, there are deeper layers of what makes us, well, - us. Those deep, dark, rich layers of ourselves that are so much more than what’s on the top. (I seriously can’t stop thinking of this type of cake when I think of layers and I’m getting really hungry)

We contain multitudes (a much more eloquent, poetic way of saying we have layers - this is obviously only a new concept to me! Ha!).

I’d honestly forgotten the story about my name switch. And yet, there it was - a layer of me that had been in storage for a while. And what was interesting was that story opened up other layers of life memories for me. Memories of a really creative part of me who was / is resilient and strong and fun.

Oooh yes, I have layers!

If you allow yourself to go a little deeper, what beautiful, rich layers of you and your life reveal themselves? What emotions, feelings and images come up? What parts of those layers do you want to revisit? What layers inspire you?

Ooh yes, you have layers!! How delicious!

Love in its many forms

February is traditionally the month of love. Hearts and flowers. Gifts and hugs. Usually we think of receiving love externally from others this time of year. This year, I invite you to look at love from many different forms, perspectives, and angles.

Love can be:

• feeling seen and heard

• doing something brave for yourself

• your favorite song

• sleeping in on a Saturday

• new grass growing

• feeling the warm sun or the brisk winter wind on your face

• taking time to do something you’ve always wanted to do

• a clean house

• saying no

• saying yes

• nurturing self-compassion within yourself

What do you consider love to be? How do you show love? How do you receive love? What would you like most from loving yourself and others?

And it’s cliche, but true - the most important person to love is yourself. You deserve love, you are worthy of love and you ARE love. ❤️

The uneasiness of slowing down

Hi there! How’s 2024 been going for you? 

For me it already seems like it’s been a lot! 2024 started out pretty frenetically with a training, sending my kiddos back to college and dealing with some arctic cold weather. This past weekend was the first time I felt things start to settle.

I noticed myself fighting the feeling to want to keep moving AND the absolute need to slow down, rest and process all the things that have being going on the past few weeks. Yesterday, my body basically let me know that the only way I could spend my Saturday was snuggling with my dogs and bingeing Netflix. And wow was that so needed! I feel like a new person today! 

Sometimes we can feel really overwhelmed - even when it’s really good stuff. And that type of overwhelm can even be harder to hold and process. It can take extra time and space to allow yourself to slow down and check in with how you’re feeling because we want to keep riding the good, but overwhelming stuff. Life naturally moves back and forth, though, and it’s important to give ourselves time to rest as well as celebrate and be in the good stuff.

Slowing down can also feel REALLY uncomfortable, especially when you’ve been going full-steam for a long time. It can bring up crunchy feelings of shoulds, have-to’s and rules about what it means to rest. A lot of us have been conditioned to keep moving at all costs - even if it’s not good for us. Try offering yourself self- compassion and giving yourself permission to slow down - even if it’s in small bites. Over time your brain and body will sense that it’s safe to take time for yourself.

Slowing down can also bring up super crunchy feelings that all that non-stop activity has been protecting you from feeling - like grief, sadness or anger. The notion is that if you keep moving you don’t have to deal with the feelings or discomfort. Know that this makes complete sense. Thank those parts who are protecting you. And see if you can have gentle curiosity about what slowing down would mean.

Here are three ideas to take small steps toward rest and slowing down:

• Visit your local coffee shop and sit there instead of ordering to-go. Notice what happens around you. What comes up for you?

• Put your phone and watch in another room for 5 minutes and sit comfortably with your eyes closed or gently open. If you feel you need to move, let your body do what it needs to do. Notice what feelings come up.

• Go for a short walk without headphones. Choose to notice each step you take and feel your feet as they touch the ground. Or notice the different sounds you hear as you walk and choose to focus on one that feels good to you.

Are there other ideas you can add that resonate for you?

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My love-hate relationship with the Artist’s Way

I have a love-hate relationship with Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way. I know it’s considered one of the bibles for accessing your creativity - and I’ve struggled completing it for almost as long as it’s been published (*cough, 25+ years). THIS time, however, I’m working through it with a friend. It’s been a lot easier to work through it with someone, and at the same time it can be frustrating AF. This time, however, I think I’m figuring out how to embrace it - it involves listening to your own inner voice and not following this book like it’s the be all/end all to your creative enlightenment.

There are two tasks that she claims are essential for this work. One is doing daily Morning Pages, writing three free-form pages of whatever comes to mind when you first wake up in the morning. I’ve tried in the past to do this several times and was never able to stick with it. I truly disliked getting up first thing and doing this. It didn’t feel natural or organic and I would give up within a month. The second task is going on weekly Artist Dates, where you go on your own somewhere that interests you (it doesn’t have to be art/creative related) and observe and explore. In the past I usually would do one or two of these dates and like the Morning Pages, they would fall away.

After thinking about it, I began to understand why: it felt like work. It felt like an school assignment. And I’m not going to lie, some of how Julia Cameron writes in this book is a little shame-y (sorry Julia). I realized that a lot of my creativity was trapped in rule-following and people-pleasing and that the last thing that would help me was following this book exactly as subscribed. So, I’ve to started give myself a break.

My intention has been to write my Morning Pages Daily, but if I miss a day, I hold compassion and understanding for myself. If I don’t write all three prescribed pages, I allow myself compassion for writing what works for me on that day. I do the pages not right when I wake up, but when I’m ready to write. If I miss an Artist Date one week, I let myself off the hook and do one small thing that shows myself I matter. It doesn’t have to be something big.

Taking that pressure off myself to follow the rules has been a game-changer. It lets just enough air in so that I actually look forward to doing the Morning Pages and planning Artist Dates. I get through each chapter small steps at a time and only do the exercises that speak to me. I give myself choice and agency of what I want to do to feel safe and foster my own creativity.

I’ve also realized I can come back to this book again and again and don’t have to do it all at once. That each time it would settle in me a different way and send a different message. And that was ok. Being able to be self-compassionate with myself and learning how to approach my creativity with love versus rules and shame is what moves me forward and through the brilliancy of all Artist’s Way offers.

Creativity is so personal. It’s beautiful, scary, bold, lonely, full, and brave. When your creative voice starts feeling constricted by shame shame and rules, it’s so important to step back and show yourself the love and compassion you and your creativity deserves, just as you get to show compassion and love for all parts of you and your life. You get to embrace it YOUR artist’s way.

Onward….

You get to celebrate and heal

If you've just come out of a narcissistic-leaning relationship, know that you are a BADASS who deserves to be celebrated with a parade, fireworks and all the love, compassion and nurturing available. Congratulations - you get to move forward and heal!

And…it may not feel like it, because coming out of these relationships feels really hard and a lot. And…

You did it! 🎉💛

Now you get to heal. 💛

It won’t be easy - it’s emotional and crunchy as you unlearn the gaslighting and conditioning, process and grieve the truth of what was actually happening and rebuild your life in a different way.

And…you also get to take small steps back to yourself, relearn how to nurture and be compassionate toward yourself, celebrate who you are and where you are now and choose YOU without feeling selfish, unworthy or “wrong.”

When I was in the deep crunch of unlearning and healing it was tough. AND even though a lot of things felt hard and painful, as I healed, every day I felt stronger and more capable as I became more myself. Day by day I gained a different kind of inner strength and realized my superpowers were all the things I had been told were the “bad” or “annoying” parts of me. I stopped believing the lies and started believing myself as the magic curse wore off. And my own magic came forward as I realized who I really was. ✨💪🏼

You are resilient, strong and a total badass, too. Congratulations as you begin to move forward to an amazing, new life. You can do this.💛💪🏼✨

What’s one small thing you can do to celebrate YOU today?🎉

I compassionately support and celebrate women as they find their voice, their strength and their truth after leaving narcissistic-leaning relationships. Schedule a consultation session to learn more. The link is HERE

You are valuable

This can be one of the hardest things to believe after you leave a narcissistic-leaning relationship. That you can set down the exhausting daily work of trying to make someone else happy (who generally won’t be) and begin to understand how valuable you are as a person.💛

It took me years to understand that I’m a valuable human simply for being me - not for what I was told I needed to chase to be valued. It was (and sometimes still is) super hard to sit in the discomfort that I may not be making other people happy for doing what matters to me. For having different feelings or opinions. It’s really crunchy- and I know that as I build and create a safe, strong, compassionate life for myself I get to choose what’s valuable to me - including myself, my needs and my wants.

It’s a process to reclaim yourself, to remember what you really like and believe. It takes small, kind, compassionate baby steps to get back to you. And it’s possible.✨

And as you slowly walk back to yourself, continue to gently remind yourself of your worth and value, even if at the start it’s really small. Listen to that deep inner voice who 💯 believes in you. You got this.💛💪🏼

I compassionately support people heal, empower and rediscover themselves as they come out of narcissistic-leaning relationships. Schedule a consultation session to learn more. The link is HERE

Shame and moving forward

Don't let the feelings of shame you may feel after leaving a narcissistic-leaning relationship hold you back from moving forward. Remember: the shame feelings, beliefs and thoughts aren't even yours. They are remnants of the relationship you're leaving behind. You don't have to believe those stories anymore.

It makes sense if you have feelings of shame and thoughts of “should haves” as you start to heal from narcissistic-leaning relationships. And…

You didn’t know then what you know now. There’s no shame there - only love for the parts of you who kept you safe and holding on.

The “should haves” are part of your old conditioning when you were in the relationship. You were trained to think it was your fault - it wasn’t.

You don’t have to believe the untrue stories anymore. You get to choose your truth now. The one’s about your strength, resilience and courage. The ones about your kindness and ability to love. The truth about your deep compassion and self-love parts of you have always deep down believed and held on to because that’s really the truth. That’s why you’re here now.

It takes small, slow steps to dismantle the shame stories, so don’t rush - be curious as to what really is your own truth, not theirs. Have compassion and love for the confusion you feel as you are untangling yourself from their stories.

There’s nothing shameful about being you. You’re amazing. 💛

I compassionately support you as you heal, empower and rediscover yourself as you come out of narcissistic-leaning relationships. Schedule a consultation session to learn more. The link is HERE.

Your voice matters

After coming out of a narcissistic-leaning relationship it can feel challenging to believe that your needs and voice matter. It takes time and gentle nurturing to relearn that it's true. Know that your voice is a gift that deserves to be heard and your needs are valid.

This can be so hard, especially when you learned that it was safer and easier to stay small and quiet. 💛

It can take time to start gently nurturing the parts of you who want to speak up, be seen, move and play to come forward. There’s no rush - it’s ok to take tiny, slow steps forward as you relearn what can be safe and work for you now. Deep down they and you know.💛

What you were told wasn’t true. Your empathy, voice and kindness matters. You now get to turn those beautiful strengths toward yourself.💛

What’s one small nurturing and safe feeling thing you can do for yourself today?💛

*****

I compassionately support women as they reclaim their voice, their inner-strength and their truth after leaving narcissistic-leaning relationships. Schedule a consultation session to learn more. The link is HERE

Grief after leaving a narcissistic-leaning relationship

Feeling all the feelings after leaving a narcissistic-leaning relationship can seem so confusing. You’re happy to be out of the chaos, and there are parts that you truly miss, especially when times were good.

This all makes sense. And it’s ok to feel all of those feelings. It’s part of the grief process. It’s ok to be happy to be out - and also have nostalgia for some of the good times. Accepting and grieving it all will help you heal.💛

I compassionately help people heal, empower and rediscover themselves as they come out of narcissistic-leaning relationships. Schedule a consultation session to learn more. The link is HERE

What are your resources?

As you're healing from a narcissistic-leaning relationship, keep reminding yourself you have resources and choices.

Write them down:

• Who are your supportive people?

• What brings you peace?

• Where can you go when need support?

• What's something you can look at, do, feel, smell or touch that feels safe?

Resources are important for any situation where you’re healing, including healing from narcissistic-leaning relationships. It can sometimes feel lonely and knowing where you can turn for support and regulation can help. 💛

I have a list on my notes on my of resources that I go to and use them whenever I feel I need extra support. For me, walking is a very healing resource. So is journaling and reaching out to a few trusted friends m. Yours can be anything that feels safe and settling to yourself. There is not a right or wrong thing. 💪🏼💛

The most important thing to remember is you matter and are deserving of safe support.💛

I have some spots available in my schedule for new clients. Apply for a consultation session HERE

You are abundant

Feelings of abundance take time to grow when you've been in a relationship based on lack and proving your worth. See if you can start building a list of abundance glimmers that surround you. Start small and see how it grows. Remember you've always carried an abundance of love, compassion, and strength. You now get to turn that abundance toward yourself.

You are surrounded by everyday glimmers that show and celebrate your abundance and worth.✨

It can be as simple as noticing your dog gave you a kiss, you feeling the warm spring air on your face, or noticing that you enjoy moment of quiet solitude.

Those are all small and mighty abundant glimmers that celebrate who you are, your likes and show what you already have - something that can be hard to remember when you’re in the crunchy part of grief or healing.

Write them down and collect them in a jar. You’ll realize pretty quickly abundance and love has always been with you. ✨💛

I help clients rediscover their inner-strength, abundance, self-trust and brilliant light after leaving narcissistic relationships and help them move for. Schedule a free consultation call with me to learn more. The link is HERE

Magic and healing

A magical thing happens as you start to heal from narcissistic-leaning relationships. You start seeing tiny glimmers of your inner-strength, resilience and power. They've been there all along as you navigated your relationship, keeping you safe in small and brilliant ways. And now they get to shine brightly as you heal and move forward.

Where are you finding your magic as you heal? Where’s your brightness starting to shine?✨

I help clients rediscover their inner-strength, self-trust and brilliant light after leaving narcissistic relationships. Schedule a free consultation call with me to learn more. The link is HERE

Figuring out what is true

One of the hardest challenges after leaving a narcissistically-leaning relationship is figuring out what was / is true. It takes time to trust yourself and your intuition again. And it’s all still 100% there, waiting for you. Embrace yourself with kindness and compassion as you process and heal.

It’s a process relearning what your truth is and trusting your intuition. Both may have been offline for a while. It makes sense, and you get to reclaim it all now.💛

Take slow, gentle, compassionate steps. You deserve nurturing now. 💛

As a life coach I offer compassionate, nurturing and empowering support as you move out of narcissistic-leaning relationships and into your healthy and healing best self. You can do it. Schedule a free 30-minute introductory consult HERE to learn more.

You can heal after a narcissistically-leaning relationship

Navigating a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic tendencies or is emotionally immature is exhausting, challenging, overwhelming and confusing - not only when you’re in it, but also when the relationship is over. It can be hard to distinguish between fact and fiction, process the pain and hurt and know how to move forward.

The good news is that you can absolutely heal from these experiences and relationships in beautiful, healthy ways. Does it take time? Yes. Is the healing work easy? Not usually (sorry, my friend). It takes time to grieve, unlearn and relearn - it’s a process. And know you’ll come out the other side with a deep understanding for and compassion toward yourself to able to move forward with confidence and love.

I support many clients on this journey. If you’d like compassionate, empowering support with someone who’s been there, set up a coaching consultation with me and find out more. I’d love to help you heal, connect more deeply with yourself and support you as you move forward.

You’re allowed to grieve

You’re allowed to grieve:

• what was / what wasn’t

• what is / what isn’t

• what will / what won’t be

all at the same time.

Grief is so multifaceted and any time we go through any kind of change there will be a whole range of grief, feelings and emotions. Let yourself feel them all.
Grief doesn’t have rules on the what, where, when, how or how long. It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling.💛

It’s ok to embrace and grieve all sides of your experience. It makes sense. Have compassion for yourself and take care of what you need.💛

It’s exhausting feeling responsible for everyone’s feelings

This came up for me this weekend with an aromatic to-go lunch I brought in during a training. I was so worried about offending the larger group’s nostrils that I rushed to eat outside the conference room before it restarted. I joked with a friend, “it’s hard being responsible for everyone else’s feelings,” and then I went “ohhhhhh…..” Not a shame-y ohhhhhhh, just a very interested observation ohhhhhhh. 😉

Many of us have been trained or conditioned to make sure others around us are emotionally and physically comfortable- at the expense of our own comfort. And yikes does that get exhausting over time. The hyper vigilance of everyone’s comfort and needs over our own squeezes and minimizes what matters to us. And then the flip side is we feel guilty for asking or doing what we need or want because it feels to much or we don’t feel our needs matter. When the reality is they 💯 do.

This can be a hard one to unlearn. One of the things I tell my clients (and myself) is to simply imagine what it would feel like to put down that responsibility. Just imagine, nothing more. That can start shifting our brains toward the possibility of choice and the thought that we also matter.

If this all resonates with you, try it and see if anything shifts. If it feels too big, back away and come back another time. It’s ok. The bottom line is slowly giving yourself permission to set it down.💛

Do you sometimes feel like you’re playing a role?

This may seem weird to admit, but sometimes when I write posts I feel like I'm playing the role of what I think a life coach should be. I know I'm a good coach - and sometimes my mind tells me when I write posts I'm playing pretend. I start to feel crunchy and a little stuck, and when I feel this way, I listen and follow where that crunch is coming from. The source is usually shoulds and untrue stories / inner critics I’ve given a louder voice to.

Sometimes we can get stuck feeling like we're playing pretend in our different roles - even in our jobs, as spouses, parents, children, or friends. And it can feel yucky, especially if we're living under the rules of shoulds - or what's not with what's aligned with what we truly want or need. And if we're recovering people-pleasers or perfectionists, this can seem an even bigger feeling of yuck and imposter-like because we feel pulled all sorts of ways and have a hard time feeling what's true to us.

Shoulds and feelings of impostor syndrome can be really fun - not! 🥴 And guess what - we all feel this from time to time.

When I’m feeling this way, I take some time to settle into my body and feel into what feels off. Yeah, it feels uncomfortable and I have compassion for that part of me - and still give myself time and space to work through the crunch. To feel into where I'm out of alignment. I journal. I walk. I process. I know it's not going to be perfect and it's not going to be just a one-time thing. But even giving myself the space and time to reflect feels relieving. I know it’s not forever and I know that it’s part of leveling up in some way.

What about you? Do you sometimes feel like you're playing a role? What shoulds are you telling yourself? What's one small thing you can do to shift closer to something that aligns with what you want or need?

Going non-stop and feeling safe, yet exhausted

The need and urgency to stay busy can feel really good - and it can feel exhausting.

And sometimes when we’re non-stop busy, it can be a great protection from some crunchy feelings.

And when we do slow down, there can be a icky feeling of discomfort because sometimes the feelings and emotions we’ve been doing our best to avoid come out and say hi.👋🏼

So, we can feel exhausted in our busyness, or feel crunchy in our bubbling emotions. Neither feel great.

Simply knowing and acknowledging this is a pattern you have can help a lot and take some of the pressure off. You don’t have to stop moving, and you don’t have to completely slow down. That would freak your system out. Start by just noticing - compassionately and without shame. And see if you can appreciate the patterns that have kept you safe.💛

People-pleasers, good girls and toxic relationships

As people-pleasers / good girls, we can sometimes find ourselves in toxic relationships where we’re chasing a bar that’s continuously being raised. Because we’re used to the chase and the huge desire to be “good enough” we don’t see that what’s going on isn’t healthy.

It took me a long time to understand I didn’t have to chase or prove myself to be loved. And when I was in it, I thought that was the only way. Because I didn’t believe I was enough.

Gah - even writing that is hard because now I know how untrue that is and was. And I see the younger me who believed that story. I both grieve for her and love her so much. She worked so hard and she was much stronger than she believed herself to be. And she was enough and worthy.💛

Chasing a bar that keeps moving is freaking exhausting work. And as good girls/people pleasers and perfectionists it can feel almost addictive to keep chasing approval and love. Even when what we’re chasing may not really be there or never be enough. That’s the irony - we’re enough but what we’re chasing isn’t. We’re worth so much more.

The shift happens when you start loving yourself more than you want the chase. When that small voice deep down who knows you are so worthy and loves you starts getting louder. When you start taking small steps toward the accepting, loving and believing in yourself.💛

It also takes time and it can be crunchy, messy, and full of tear-stained ugly cries. And realizing you are a worthy freaking badass for just being you is worth it. Because it’s something that actually exists.✨

You are 💯 worthy. You are 💯 enough.

If you loving, compassionate judgment-free support as you stop chasing and walk toward yourself, schedule a coaching session. I’ll walk with you.💛

The perfectionist paradox

Perfectionists often hold the belief that if they are perfect or do everything perfect they will be safe. The paradox is they constantly feel unsafe because they are constantly chasing perfection, which is unattainable.

As a recovering perfectionist, I feel this one.

Even though it was pretty subconscious for a long time, I believed that if I was perfect, or situations were perfect or what I did was perfect then everything would be ok. I would be safe, my marriage would be safe, my family would be safe, my life would be safe.

What I didn’t realize is that perfection doesn’t exist, even if I really hoped and wanted it to. It was exhausting carrying all of that responsibility to basically hide the underlying fear and shame I felt because I believed that I wasn’t good enough. The paradox was that as I hid behind perfectionism I helped support the belief I wasn’t good enough - because perfection isn’t attainable. It was a never-ending cycle of chase and shame and lots of effort. And I never felt safe.

I now totally understand why and I have so much compassion and love for my perfectionist parts. They weren’t trying to harm me - they wanted to keep me safe even if it was misguided. And they still do. Perfectionism is a hard thing to unlearn and I still discover perfectionism pockets in various parts of my life. And that’s ok. I now understand the paradox and know that I’m actually safer when I’m more my messy, authentic, imperfect self. And as I unlearn I give myself a lot of grace and love. And it’s never perfect. 😉

If you’re noticing your own perfectionist patterns, see if you be curious about your thoughts around how those patterns at one time kept you safe. Be curious about what you need now. See if you can have compassion for the parts of you who really want to be perfect. What would you tell them?

It’s a process. Take small steps. The goal isn’t to be perfect at it. It’s to be aware, curious and hold space for what kept you safe, and how you can make different choices now if you want.💛

If you’re wanting compassionate support and a way forward, schedule a free 45-minute coaching consultation to ask questions, get coached and learn more.