Good girls can unlearn being a good girl and live in their own integrity

As good girls we are often praised and rewarded for our compliance and what we do for others. This teaches us to be small, silent and live outside of ourselves and our needs. It’s possible to relearn that your voice, your needs and you matter. It’s possible to to learn that it’s ok to live in your own integrity.

If this resonates with you, know there is no shame for feeling like you’ve been a good girl for however long. It’s not something you knowingly signed up for and has probably in many ways been an amazing protection for you.

And if you’re starting to feel crunchy and resentful toward your good girl parts, it’s probably a sign you’re ready for a shift. No shame there, either. You get to evolve.

As I break out of my good girl patterns, it can feel incredibly scary and freeing at the same time. It’s taking small steps forward to who I’ve always been deep down. It feels like trying on new clothes in a style I don’t normally wear, but are familiar, comfortable and fit really well.

It’s coming home. And, like most healing and nurturing things, it’s a process and it takes time.

Continue to gently remind yourself it’s ok to have needs. It’s ok to say no and still be kind. Start by finding safe spaces to practice speaking your mind - even if it’s talking to yourself. Slowly learn what you like and don’t like, accept and won’t accept. It will feel weird at first, and over time it will feel empowering.

Hooray for you!! 💪🏼🎉💛

I have space in my schedule to compassionately support you and give you tools to empower yourself, break out of good girl, and move forward.

The term “good girl” is based on someone else’s belief system - not yours

I have huge curiosity when people talk about what what the definition of a “good girl” is because it’s such an arbitrary, judge-y and controlling term. It’s something that someone else seems to decide. It’s pointed externally towards, and then gets internalized to the point of shame if the rules of whatever this random definition is are somewhat broken.

Hmmmm….. 🤔

The truth? There is no such thing as a good girl. Good girls don’t exist. Humans exist. And you are the only one who gets to chose and define yourself.

Let’s take the pressure off ourselves to be “good girls,” perfectionists and people-pleasers. We get to have compassion for ourselves. We get to live in our integrity and lean toward what we love. We get to be messy, beautiful humans. None of that is good or bad. It simply is.

Thanks for listening to my meta-TED talk.😉I’m feeling kind of salty because I see so many women out there (myself sometimes included)who feel they need to be something other than their amazing, wonderful selves to be accepted and loved - when we are ALL enough just as and where we are. Being “good” has nothing to do with it.

Schedule a coaching session with me if you’d like to be compassionately and whole-heartedly supported as you empower yourself to choose and define who you want to be. I’ll walk by you every step of the way.

Shame, anxiety and self-compassion

I love to travel to different places, but for years the actual travel part was totally anxiety-provoking. It’s gotten much better and the main reason is because I no longer carry the shame of there being something “wrong” with me for wanting to get to the airport at a time that feels safe for me.

When I carried that shame, my anxiety on the days I traveled was high. There were a lot of toxic dynamics going on where my feelings of shame were heightened because I was told and believed the story that I shouldn’t feel what I was feeling. That I was irrational and wrong.

I now totally understand the dynamics that were going on, as well as my people-pleaser and survival parts trying to keep me safe. And that meant overriding the other parts of me who looked for safety in space, time and calm.

I hold compassion and love for all of those parts of me. All of those parts were trying to keep me safe in the best ways they knew how. And feelings of shame and pressure without feeling you have choice can take time to move through and out of. It all makes sense and the shame is no longer there. I know there was and is nothing wrong with me.💛✨

When I travel now I feel so much more at peace. I know I have choice and I know the shame stories didn’t come from me and I can let them go. My parts are all working with, not against, each other and I can feel present. It took some crunchy inner work and time and it feels great to make choices that align with my needs and who I am.💛✨

Now if the sky could just work on turbulence, please!😜

It takes time, small steps, self-compassion and lots of unlearning - and you can absolutely return to yourself.💛 You got this.💪🏼

Looking for compassionate coaching support from someone who’s been there?I have coaching spots available. Schedule a free 45-minute session to ask questions, get coached and learn more.

Feeling stuck and choice

A while back I was chatting with someone who felt really stuck about a social situation. She didn’t want to go to an event and risk running into a toxic ex, but at the same time also wanted to support her friend who was hosting the event. She felt conflicted, stuck and pretty miserable and pulled in all directions.

As we chatted, it became clear that not only did she feel stuck, but she also felt trapped. We talked about what options she had. She could talk with her friend ahead of time and explain the situation (she knew her friend would support her whatever her choice). She could go to the event with a supportive friend. She could decide to stay as long as she felt was best for her and leave whenever she felt uncomfortable. She could get there and change her mind and that was also ok. She could go and not acknowledge her ex or say a quick hi and move on. She could reward herself after the event in some way.

When different options and choices became clear to her, her whole body relaxed. She didn’t feel trapped or stuck anymore. She felt like she had agency over what she could decide to do. And it felt freeing. There were no “wrong” ways of going - or not going. She got to decide.💪🏼

I’ve been in that situation, too, and wow - it can feel deer-in-the-headlights scary. You can almost feel your body going into freeze when you don’t feel like you have agency or choice. And - if you can take a tiny step back, have compassion for those stuck parts, and gently ask yourself what options are available (there are usually at least two), you can then take a tiny step forward and get a little unstuck.✨

Sometimes a little coaching guidance can help you see what options you have available. If you’re stuck and are looking for compassionate support, schedule a free 45-minute coaching/getting to know us session with me.

About me

Hi there! It’s been a while since I’ve introduced myself.

I’m Whitney Sweeney and my life coaching practice is called Open Spaces Coaching. I’m a certified life coach and group facilitator. I love supporting and empowering women as they find their inner-strength, self-trust, and inner-badassery, especially when experiencing life transitions - including relationship issues and general feelings of discontent, grief, crunchiness and stuckness. I compassionately support clients as they open spaces toward who they truly are and toward where they want to be. 💛

I’m trauma-informed, IFS-informed and am currently working toward my Somatic Experiencing Practitioners certification. I have personal and professional experience with navigating narcissistic-leaning relationships and abuse.

I’ve been married, experienced divorce, changed careers, and worked through difficult family dynamics. I’ve lived in different cities and countries. I’ve experienced grief and loss and understand that there is a way through the hurt and pain to a healthy, gentle and even bold, beautiful place. I’ve raised two amazing kids and understand the joys and challenges that each phase brings. I have experience with LGBTQIA+ parenting. All of these life experiences have given me the wonderful gift of a wide and open perspective. ✨

I love a good trivia night (music and tv are my specialties). Learning languages lights me up. I can walk for miles and dance for hours. I love my dogs. Baking (mmm…cookies)and reading relaxes me.😊

As your coach, I 100% believe that deep down you know what’s best for you. I don’t tell you what to do. I ask questions and provide you with tools to help you get to know, love and understand yourself so deeply so that, as you move forward, you feel ownership and confidence in who you are and the decisions you make for yourself. It’s an honor to walk with you and support you as you learn, grow and become your best self. I believe we all are magic.✨💪🏼💛

I have availability in my schedule and would love to support you. Schedule a free 45-minute session to ask questions, get coached and see where it takes you. The link is in my bio. I can’t wait to hear from you! ✨

Have curiosity around people who say you are too much of anything…

used to really deeply absorb and be upset when I was called too sensitive, too emotional or too much. It hurt, and as a people pleaser, I desperately didn’t want to upset anyone just for being me. So, those comments filled me with shame and thoughts of not being enough. Thoughts that I needed to be better to be loved and accepted. <sigh> 😔

The thing is, over time and work, I realized that when someone says you’re too much of anything it’s their opinion. And it’s usually their own feelings of discomfort and unease with a situation and not a fundamental flaw in you. In other words, it’s not about you - it’s about them. And if they say you’re too emotional or too sensitive, it’s usually their inability to hold and process their own crunchy, uncomfortable feelings. It’s usually about them trying to control their discomfort by telling you how you should and shouldn’t be, instead of having compassion and curiosity about not only your feelings and emotions, but themselves. 🤔

If someone tells you you’re too much of anything, have curiosity around their need to have and vocalize that opinion.

You get to have feelings and emotions. You get to have compassion for yourself. You are not broken and you are not too much. You are enough.✨

If you’re looking for a compassionate, supportive life coach who’s been there, schedule a coaching session with me. I have availability in my schedule.

Evolving, holding space and letting go

Evolving, growing and healing can all feel amazing. And it can also feel kind of sad as you leave behind what once was.

In the last few years I’ve shed a lot of a life that I thought was working - until I realized it wasn’t. Breaking free of that involved a lot of change, growth and evolving. On the flip side there are parts of me that grieved what was and what could have been, even though where I am is the path that I want to be on.

I do my best to hold space for all of it. I’m realizing more and more it’s not all or nothing - it’s everything.

It’s ok to feel both happy about where you are and sad about what you’ve left behind. It’s ok to feel into both. Keep going. 💛

Three years ago…

Three years ago this month I was at the start of what turned out to be a very traumatic divorce that rocked what I thought was true about my marriage, my worth and my soon-to-be ex.

Three years ago this month was the start of the pandemic, which gave me the gift of cocooning to grieve, as well as the pain of isolation, and eventually the beauty of healing.

Three years ago this month I started my life coaching training and journey. I wasn’t sure what it would develop into because at the time I felt broken and unsure. What it gave me was the power to believe in myself, the knowledge we’re not alone in our struggles and a way to connect with others and allow them to see that, too.

Three years ago this month I was really afraid and didn’t know what my future would look like.

Today I’m so freaking proud of myself. In three years I navigated a tough divorce, moved, emotionally supported my kids, started a new career, connected and met amazing people and have the privilege every day of supporting others who are feeling stuck and going through changes and challenges in their lives.

It for sure hasn’t been easy - there’s been a lot of crunch. And now when things come up I find I’m softer, more self-compassionate, curious, less shame-filled, more loving, more authentic, and more at peace. I now know I have never been unworthy or broken.

I am grateful where I am now and am excited to see where the next three years will take me.💛

If you’re coming out of some challenging times, I celebrate you! If you’re at the start or in the middle of some challenging times, I see you. Know I have space for you and offer compassionate, been-there support to help you move forward.

The opposite of a good girl isn’t a bad girl. It’s person standing in their own power.

First of all, the notion of good girl and bad girl riles me up for many different reasons. The notion that anyone is inherently good or bad creates such a shame spiral that many of us spend our lifetimes trying to unravel. And even if that wasn’t the case, labels of good or bad are subjective and external - they initially come from other people’s opinions, not initially from ourselves. And they can be a way to control. Yeech.

With all that being said, if you’ve grown up and are carrying remnants of a good girl/ people pleasing persona (hi, I’m Whitney - nice to meet you! 👋🏼), there can be confusion about what breaking free from that mindset can be.

The opposite of being a good girl is being your own badass self. It’s standing compassionately in your own power. It’s looking internally to heal, evolve and grow. It’s setting boundaries that value you.

Initially it can feel pretty uncomfortable, so it’s also working through the crunchy feelings about disappointing others, getting in trouble, and not doing the “right” thing - and then making it through to the other side, realizing those things were never about you to begin with.

If this is you, I see you. Keep going. And if you need compassionate, understanding support getting through the crunch, schedule coaching sessions with me.

Learning to stand up for yourself isn’t selfish

If this is a new muscle you’re building, it’s totally normal to feel really uncomfortable when you start prioritizing your own needs and standing up for what matters to you. You’ll may get internal and external push back, which can cause you to doubt what you’re doing.

Know that it’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable. It’s normal to take a couple steps forward and one back. It’s normal to doubt yourself. And it’s ok to keep taking those small, compassionate loving steps forward.

It’s taken me years to break down good girl and people pleasing patterns- and I’m still working on it. My motivation is the contentment I feel knowing I’m 💯 taking care of me, my inner kiddos and standing up for who I am and want to be. The crunch is hard, but it’s worth it.💪🏼✨

Sign up for 1:1 coaching sessions with me. I offer compassionate, supportive coaching as you walk toward your empowered, amazing self.

You are worthy of taking up space

A gentle reminder for today. You are 💯 worthy of being seen and heard. 💛 You are 💯 worthy of taking up space. You don’t have to earn your right to be seen.

If you’re feeling this, give yourself a big hug. It’s ok to cry or feel angry. Have compassion for the parts of you who are frustrated and for the parts who want to hide. They all make sense. They all love you and are all worthy, too.

If you’re really feeling this post, have curiosity and play with the thought you might be on edge of some amazing growth. What comes up for you when you have that thought?

Reach out and schedule a coaching session if you want to process. I see you and offer compassionate support as you take steps toward your own voice, your inner strength, and the life you truly want. You get to take up space for yourself 💛

Being a good girl kept you safe; it also kept you from being you (no shame)

Shout out to the good girls. You are amazing and resilient. I’m a recovering good girl too and I see you. 👋

It’s emotional work and stress being a good girl. We hide our true selves for so many reasons - the majority of them to keep us safe in some way. And deep down we have big dreams of who we could be if we let go. That’s a lot to carry. And as an adult you can choose to set it down.

Absolutely no shame here. You make sense. You have so many younger parts who love you deeply and kept you safe for many reasons. Love on those parts big time.

And at the same time you can take small, curious and compassionate steps as adult toward the things you’ve always wanted to do or be. It takes time and some breaking down of old beliefs- and it’s totally worth it.

Ann really, there’s really no such thing as a good or bad girl. There’s simply you, your wants and desires. And it’s totally ok to be simply you. 💛

Need a compassionate guide to help you lovingly dismantle your good girl beliefs and walk toward the things in life you’ve always wanted? Schedule a coaching session with me.

Choice + consent = safety, space & trust

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. We move forward when we feel safe in our bodies and minds. We rest when we feel safe in our bodies and minds. We play and are creative when we feel safe in our bodies and minds.

And when we feel stuck it’s often because parts of us don’t feel safe in our bodies or minds to move forward. And some of that comes from parts who don’t feel like they have choice or consent. There is absolutely no shame here - it makes sense that our bodies want to protect us. Sometimes it’s relearning to trust ourselves. 💛

Finding places where you currently have choice and consent can create awareness and help take small steps forward.

It can be as simple as:
I choose what I have for lunch. I choose to leave the dishes in the sink to clean later. I say yes to going for a walk. I say no to putting that bowl on this table. Even saying those things out loud as you do them creates empowerment and self trust. Try it and see how it feels.😊💪🏼

Where are areas in your life you have choice? Where are areas in your life you get to say yes or no to?

As a life coach I offer compassionate, safe support as you build your inner safety and self empowerment muscles. 💪🏼✨ schedule a session today.

Take time for yourself

The other day I bought some tulips. And as I was trimming them to put in a vase, this one decided to go rogue and broke off halfway down its stem. It wasn’t going to fit with the other tulips in the larger vase so I put it in its own by the window. It seemed like it needed some time on its own. The tulip and I understood each other. 🌷✨

It’s important to take time for yourself.
To recalibrate. To pause. To rest. To do something you love. To reenergize. To cry. To think. To move. To play. To be.

To honestly do what feels right for you.

We absolutely need people around us for support and love and community. And sometimes we need just ourselves. We are allowed to have both.

What do you enjoy doing when you have time to yourself? What do you need right now? What’s one small thing you could do today to take time for yourself?

If you’re craving finding time for yourself and finding it hard to do, schedule a coaching session with me. I offer compassionate support and tools as you walk toward what you want in life.

When you feel stuck, it can be helpful to remember you have choice

Last week I was stressed about a deadline I had for a nonprofit I work for. I could feel the tension building in my body and it became harder to concentrate because I was focusing on the deadline, not the stuff to get done. When I took a step back and gave myself choice - 1) I could ask for more time 2) I could ask for help finishing 3) I could decide what I’ve done up to now was enough - I could feel my body and brain relax and it didn’t feel as stressful. Those options gave me breathing room to move forward.

When we feel stuck it feel like we can’t move forward.
A lot of times it’s because we only see one option. And that totally makes sense. Our brains naturally try to find a solution quickly - we may have been taught to believe there’s only one way. And when we’re stressed our body can go into survival mode, where depending on what we lean towards, flight, fight or freeze seem the natural ways to go.

And…gently and compassionately reminding ourselves that we have choices can allow us to see that we’ve got some wiggle room.

If you’re feeling stressed or stuck, can you think of other options (big or small)available to you? What’s a small step you can take to show yourself compassionate choice?

If this feels hard to do (it makes sense) and you want compassionate support to walk you through some stuck spots, reach out and schedule a coaching session. That’s a great choice, too! 💛

Thoughts and curiosity about procrastination

esterday after two years I learned my house wasn’t going to fall down.😂

Some context- I moved two years ago during the big, intense housing rush, where if you bought a house you agreed to waive most inspections. So, like a lot of people who bought houses during that time, I learned a lot about what my house needed repaired after I bought it.

One thing that I kept putting off was checking was my house’s foundation. My house is a squeaky 100 years old and its basement has seen a lot. It leaks a little, it’s a little crumbly and for almost two years I would go down to do laundry I would tell myself I need to get it checked out.

And then I wouldn’t do anything. And at every week I would go downstairs and say the same thing and do nothing. I was in full procrastination/freeze mode with my basement.

It took a while, and over time I began to feel less shamey with the shoulds and more compassionate about wondering why I wasn’t moving forward. And it turned out there was a part of me that was really overwhelmed and didn’t want to add one more repair to the house. And this one seemed really scary. Which made total sense. I slowly gave that part of me more compassion and over time it felt safe to research foundation companies. Then a little later make phone calls. Then a little later make the appointment. Small steps toward getting unstuck.

I was ready to do any repairs but it was more fun to do a whole body happy dance after the engineer told me everything was ok. 🎉

Procrastinating makes sense. No shame. It’s our body’s way of telling ourselves something doesn’t feel safe to us. It’s ok to have compassion and kindness towards those feelings and the parts you who feel stuck. Listen to the gentle why’s and then you can start taking small steps forward.✨

Need some compassionate support as you work through some crunchy, stuck spots? I have availability in my coaching schedule.

Boundary reframe - what are you willing to let IN?

When we talk about setting boundaries a lot of times it’s about what we’re not willing to accept or let into our space. We talk about our non-negotiables. And that is all 💯 valid.

And part of setting boundaries is knowing what we’re willing to accept and let IN our space, too.

I bring this up because sometimes we know more about what we don’t want more than what we do - and both are important.

For a long time I definitely knew what I didn’t want, but I didn’t really know what I did want, which was part of residual people pleasing and trauma. I had to slowly allow myself the space to be able to say yes to the things I needed and wanted, too, without feeling shame. I’m still working on it, honestly- it’s a process. 💛 And knowing what I want and am willing to do and accept allows me even more clarity with the things I’m not.

What are you willing to let into your space? What works for you? What’s a 💯 hell yes? Make a list of of those along with what you aren’t willing to let in or accept, too. It will really help clarify your needs.

Boundaries and figuring out what you want and don’t want can be tough. It’s a process, for sure. If you’re looking for support as you’re figuring it out, schedule a coaching session with me. I offer compassionate guidance as you move forward toward what you want most from life. You got this.

Connection, safety and love

I’m taking care of my youngest child’s guinea pig while they are at college. Till is part of our family. Yesterday we had a nice snuggle session and she hung out on my lap for a good half hour or so. She’s a cutie pie.💛🥰

Guinea pigs are prey animals, which means they pretty much think anything coming towards them is out to get them. They can be super hyper vigilant and hide, freeze or run away when they feel unsafe.

And…when they feel safe they can orient themselves and are bouncy, friendly, snuggly and can accept touch and love.

Kinda like us humans….🤔

So yesterday Tilly felt safe and we enjoyed each other’s quiet company for a while. 💛

Pets can teach us lot about connection, safety and love, among so many other things. If you have a pet, what does your pet teach you?

Learn more about yourself and what moves you forward toward your bouncy, safe, connected self. Schedule a coaching session with me. I offer compassionate coaching to help empower you and find your way forward.

What would you do differently if you weren’t attached to the outcome?

Yowza. This is a question I’ve been working on myself and it’s an interesting one!

I realized I was really attached to some outcomes, specifically when it came to my coaching business and stories I had around rates and worth (ugh, money stories are the worst, right?) When I was able to step back and detach from outcomes, I started to feel….free. And that freedom created space for play, abundance, accessibility and expansion. So much so, that as of today I’m substantially lowering my coaching rates for both new and current clients. And it feels SO good.😊✨🎉

Getting to this place wasn’t easy. It’s taken time and lots of questioning, doubt, and face planting without shame to work through the crunch and break down the stories and beliefs I had. And I’m sure those stories and beliefs will still show up occasionally- and that’s ok. It’s all part of being human. Being able to detach from outcomes and hold self compassion for myself go hand in hand.

Are you finding it hard to detach from an outcome? What do you believe will happen if you let go? If you can picture totally detaching yourself from the outcome, how does it feel not to have that belief anymore? Exploring those questions can give you some insight and potential space forward.

And if you’re looking for compassionate guidance as you navigate through the crunch, schedule a coaching session with me. I offer supportive coaching at accessible rates.

Working through the long, tedious steps of growth

This past weekend I felt inspired to bake peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I have a recipe I love - the cookies are a little dry, but they are great for dunking in my coffee or tea.

However, I can start feeling really impatient when I make them because, like a lot of things you bake, it can be a process. And I have to chill the dough for 40 minutes. This can be frustrating, especially when my inner child parts and tummy just want cookies!! 😉 And chilling the dough is an important step because it helps the fat integrate into the cookies so they become what they are meant to be….delicious!

Hmmm…..I feel an analogy/metaphor coming on.

Sometimes working through stuff or working toward something can seem frustratingly long. Or it can feel like there are a lot of steps. And most of us want to just get to the end result (mmm…cookies!), without having to go through all the tedious, crunchy, small steps to get there.

AND….those tedious, crunchy, small steps are necessary to create something beautifully delicious. Sometimes it’s good to take a step back and chill our metaphorical dough to integrate all the good stuff and then let it bake so we can enjoy what we’ve done.

What cookies are you currently baking in your life? What parts need to set and chill? What parts need to be combined and integrated? What parts need a nice bake? What do you want your life cookies to taste like and what ingredients and steps will take to make them tasty?

Do you need compassionate support with your metaphorical cookie baking ? Schedule a coaching session with me. Let’s work together to make the steps fun for a delicious outcome!