The perfectionist paradox

Perfectionists often hold the belief that if they are perfect or do everything perfect they will be safe. The paradox is they constantly feel unsafe because they are constantly chasing perfection, which is unattainable.

As a recovering perfectionist, I feel this one.

Even though it was pretty subconscious for a long time, I believed that if I was perfect, or situations were perfect or what I did was perfect then everything would be ok. I would be safe, my marriage would be safe, my family would be safe, my life would be safe.

What I didn’t realize is that perfection doesn’t exist, even if I really hoped and wanted it to. It was exhausting carrying all of that responsibility to basically hide the underlying fear and shame I felt because I believed that I wasn’t good enough. The paradox was that as I hid behind perfectionism I helped support the belief I wasn’t good enough - because perfection isn’t attainable. It was a never-ending cycle of chase and shame and lots of effort. And I never felt safe.

I now totally understand why and I have so much compassion and love for my perfectionist parts. They weren’t trying to harm me - they wanted to keep me safe even if it was misguided. And they still do. Perfectionism is a hard thing to unlearn and I still discover perfectionism pockets in various parts of my life. And that’s ok. I now understand the paradox and know that I’m actually safer when I’m more my messy, authentic, imperfect self. And as I unlearn I give myself a lot of grace and love. And it’s never perfect. 😉

If you’re noticing your own perfectionist patterns, see if you be curious about your thoughts around how those patterns at one time kept you safe. Be curious about what you need now. See if you can have compassion for the parts of you who really want to be perfect. What would you tell them?

It’s a process. Take small steps. The goal isn’t to be perfect at it. It’s to be aware, curious and hold space for what kept you safe, and how you can make different choices now if you want.💛

If you’re wanting compassionate support and a way forward, schedule a free 45-minute coaching consultation to ask questions, get coached and learn more.